In summer Fosbury Flop does not stop, but slows down. True to Visentini’s style: he did not ride the Tour de France because, in July, he went to the beach. Mediterranean morals. That way, we have time to be flâneurs or travellers, which is not the same as tourists: those who throw themselves at monuments, collecting facts, dates, names, dimensions… and forget what really matters.
I would love to stop completely. The flow of life, though, does not let me. Whether I am visiting the church where Chopin’s heart rests, wandering through the Baltic basketball capital, flâneuring around the Daugava river, or relaxing in a Finnish sauna… I always end up with a reflection, chasing a question. “I know you have fallen into a rabbit hole when I see you talking to yourself”, Petra says to me. I guess those of you with minds full of questions, doubts, curiosity, and thoughts about the upcoming season… will understand.
What emerges during the holidays is something I only share with premium subscribers and Patrons. That way, those who want to disconnect can do so in peace, while I still find a way to thank everyone who supports Fosbury Flop and wants to keep receiving content during the summer. By clicking the button below, you can upgrade your subscription: you gain access to all the premium content of the past —different ideas, talks, reflections— and everything that will be shared in the future —summer included. And please, whether you are subscribed or not, do not forget: we can always exchange a few messages or set up a video call about whatever we like. Holidays are a great opportunity for that too. If you feel the impulse, do not let that message stay buried in the drafts.
In most of the upcoming posts, however, I have set aside essay writing. I am trying my luck with a fictional satire. Specifically, with a story inspired by Sin noticias de Gurb —No Word From Gurb, in English— by Eduardo Mendoza, a delightful and hilarious work in which a couple of aliens tries to understand humanity. Right after reading it, I asked myself: “What would the story have been like if they had tried to understand the figure of the coach?” The result? What follows.
DAY 01
37.69 (Local Time). Date: 5XΩ.α.Δ34. Location: Area 61, Planet Optimiam, Galaxy KPI-Excellion.
The Interstellar Scouting Department of Planet Optimiam is officially founded. Its function is not yet entirely clear. We had abundant resources, and something had to be done. The Interstellar Scouting Department was simply the least bad proposal.
41.13: After a long but —thanks to technology— brief analytical process, the algorithm named Meritocracy has emitted white smoke: I, Duarf of the Euqinhcet, have been appointed Director of the Interstellar Scouting Department. The Meritocracy algorithm evaluates both the role to be fulfilled and the merits of each possible candidate. This selection process is unique to Planet Optimiam and rather peculiar. The wise voices of our society say that, in other galaxies, the process of selecting suitable candidates includes KPIs such as the degree of friendship between the candidate and the selector —regardless of the level of expertise—, the total number of PowerPoint slides presented throughout one’s career, or the ability to smile without questioning. Honestly, I find that hard to believe. I really do not know how they manage things in those galaxies...
DAY 02
27.81 (Local Time). Date: 5XΩ.β.Δ34. Location: old basement full of junk in Area 61, now with a sign on the door reading “Office of the Interstellar Scouting Department”, Planet Optimiam, Galaxy KPI-Excellion.
We send the first Interstellar Scouting Report.
27.82: Report rejected. Reason: Unintelligibility.
DAY 03
23.59 (Local Time). Date: 5XΩ.γ.Δ34. Location: Office of the Interstellar Scouting Department, Planet Optimiam, Galaxy KPI-Excellion.
We send the second scouting report.
23.60: Report rejected. Reason: Dysfunctionality (we are not sure whether this refers to the report or to our department).
DAY 220
09.11 (Local Time). Date: 3Rψ.λ.Γ34. Location: Office of the Interstellar Scouting Department, Planet Optimiam, Galaxy KPI-Excellion.
We change four words in the report that was rejected yesterday, just so they can’t accuse us of doing nothing.
09.12: Report rejected. Reason: Path-dependence (so many consecutive days of rejection that it has become an institutional habit).
DAY 291
01.13 (Local Time). Date: 4Zθ.μ.Γ34. Location: Office of the Interstellar Scouting Department, Planet Optimiam, Galaxy KPI-Excellion.
The first day that a report sent by the Interstellar Scouting Department passes the quality filter of transmitted information. This report has detected something surprising in another galaxy, on the planet Earth, specifically. The report addresses something that humans call “coach”. They seem to be beings who grant themselves —and society confirms— the ability to transform ignorant individuals and groups into experts. With the little information obtained, we relate this “coach” to something similar to an “alpha male” of a herd of animals. Many of their comments ooze a self-convinced indispensability or high importance, they accumulate a lot of knowledge —some close to wisdom, some just mediocre ones—, they possess the secrets to achieving sporting expertise and an alchemical ability to transform failure into success.
01.14: This figure surprises us, given the few previous studies on life on planet Earth: human beings and their co-inhabitants are agents with a biological intelligence, honed over millennia, fascinating; with even greater adaptive capacities. What is the purpose of this “coach”? What problems do they have that make them so necessary and important? What ignorance do they claim to remedy?
03.01: My imbalance between available and consumed energy reaches levels I tolerate poorly —if at all. I proceed to remedy the situation. The remedy is called a fork breakfast. On many other planets, both in our galaxy and others, beings are required to consume energy even when there is no need. Here, it is quite the opposite.
03.02: I meet Citcat of Snorom, a colleague from Area 61 who works in the anthropology department. To my friends I do not introduce him as a work colleague, but an energy one. Even though we work at the same place, the only interaction we have is during energy rebalancing time. Since we organize ourselves in silos —that is, departments— we end up working for the department we belong to rather than for Area 61. We stay chatting for a while. It is not a problem because on planet Optimiam we prefer living in an eternal playful and collaborative afterwork rather than grinding to climb the ladder —what some call the human or the rat race. Our society is not about maximizing profits or returns but cultivating the playful wellbeing of the community.
04.87: I tell him about these beings we found called “coaches”, but that we lack much information. He tells me that humans use enormous stacks of paper they call dictionaries. They are like collections where the social meanings assigned to fictitious labels they create and sounds they make —also known as words— are cataloged. Best of all: they believe it as if it were true.
04.88: I infiltrate the interconnected human system that allows instant transmission of information —including fake news— emotions, and other absurdities. I find a dictionary called Cambridge and look up the word “coach”. It says a “coach” is someone whose job is to teach people to improve at a sport, skill, or school subject. Meanwhile, I get distracted by its lines and find another word: Iatrogenics. It means problem or harm caused by the healer. Weird. How come humans had to label the harm caused by the professional intervening to heal? Curious. How did the need to describe this emerge among humans? Scandalous. It puts them in a very bad light as a society. Given this scenario… maybe these “coaches” are indeed necessary to lead people and groups out of ignorance. Or… are they the ones putting them into it? Further research is needed.
05.10: I consult previous research conducted at Area 61 —maybe this interdepartmental interaction will make sense after all!— and see that although they created the label “iatrogenics”, they are not very aware of the phenomenon.
05.11: A reflection emerges in myself: if we interacted between departments of Area 61, we would have already conquered the universe. Too bad we prefer to let the department and the role define us, instead of defining how a department and each role work ourselves.